Lot of people has been asking me how Marcus and I met... I told them the long story of how we met and how it leaded us to where we are now. All of their responses were the same, "That sounds exactly like a movie story!". And a handful of people convinced me to write about it and share with people everywhere. I used to love to write blogs, only for myself, but rarely for the public to read. So I thought, why not write a blog? It has been a long time since Ive write a blog. So why not write about this story? Im just not good with writing, but I will do my best! And its nice to not have to repeat the story... Because now we have a blog about this story!
The pictures of us above was taken in 1988... Marcus was in 3rd grade, and I was 2nd grade. We met in a deaf program at public school at that time. My very first memory of him was, "Who is that?!" Because I already knew all other deaf kids since preschool and I never saw him before.
That boy, he was totally a pain in the ass. For some odd reason, he spent all the energy on constantly tease and pick on me every single day from that time to the day he transferred to CSD Fremont (A deaf school) at the end of 6th grade...
I always whined and cried to the teachers, begged them to make him stop with those teasing and picking... They all were like, "Oh, dont worry! Marcus really likes you. That what boys do when they like a girl." He can be real sweet when he wanted to and when nobody looking! Unfortunately the other girls (even older girls) got jealous that he spent most of his attention on me instead of them. I got beat up in the girls restroom a few times because of it. There was nothing I could do to make him stop or push him away so I can be left alone completely.
I definitely had a soft spot for him even thought I couldnt stand him... I never forget one day in P.E., I saw him sitting on a small hill all by himself, which was very unusual. So I came up to him and saw the look on his face, the pain he was in and he tried so hard to not to cry. And I noticed he was holding his arm, it was in an odd shape, that when I realized he broke his arm. I ran to a teacher aide and told her that Marcus is hurting and he need to go to the hospital. That woman was nuts!! She just stomped over to where he was sitting, screamed and yelled at him. I was so upset and then she just finally sent him to nurse office. He didnt even come back to class afterwards. I was getting really worried. Then next day, he showed up with a cast, immediately I looked at the teacher aide to see her reaction.... Nothing. What a crazy woman!
After he transferred to CSD Fremont, I thought that was the end of it. No more daily torture from Marcus. However I was disappointed that I will never see him again. Just because I somehow feel theres something in between us. At the time I didnt realized it was the connection, but I didnt understand that yet.
I started out being in deaf program full time at a middle school while all of my deaf friends were mainstreamed in hearing classes, and that bothered me. But its because my grades/tests didnt show that I was good enough to be mainstreamed. So I was stuck in deaf program and I was really embarrassed by it. My shyness played the big role in my grades/tests. I was always a very social awkward and didnt really engaged in classroom very much (beside chat nonstop with my best friend), just always in my little world because all those years in elementary school, I was being bullied constantly and sexually abused every single day on school bus with those older kids.
Marcus' mom just happened to be one of the interpreters in my middle school, and she came in deaf program on her break one day, that when she noticed and wondered why I was in there. She decided to help out with my classworks. It was when she realize I didnt belong in deaf program, she convinced the teacher to let me mainstream full time. And she became one of my interpreters in some classes... That when I started to get know her, and it was when I found out she is Marcus' mom.
I started to wonder... Does that mean I will see Marcus soon?
After I finished middle school, I moved to high school... there she is, Marcus' mom, and again she was one of my interpreters... we started to get know each other more slowly. And I always enjoyed hear stuff about Marcus, how he was doing in Fremont and stuff.
In my sophomore year, I was involved in JrNAD club (Junior National Association for the Deaf) ... they had an event on one weekend... He just happened show up with his mom. And I missed that event because I was busy with dancing.... Then on a Monday, my friends told me he was there at the event. I was totally bummed out but didnt let anyone see it.
Ill admit, high school was a living hell for me... the bullying and sexual abuse continued. I was too busy to even think about him, throw myself into dancing, acting, eating disorders, drugs and self-cutting. Very angry at my parents and God. I was extremely unhappy and just very isolated. Just didnt really care about people and I started to forget all about him. I went ahead and took senior classes in summer school so I could graduate early, just to get out of there. And moved to east coast to focus on dancing while trying to bury the past behind me.
I returned to California a few years later... I was married to a woman of 4yrs... It wasnt exactly a good relationship. She wasnt in a good place, nor was I. And I just fell out in love with her while being very unhappy with her possessive behavior toward me, treated me like a little girl instead of a wife. I was really young at the time, I met her when I was just barely 19 and she was in her 30's. And I was her first girlfriend. So things went downhill in our marriage. I told her I want to go home and move forward with my life. Of course, it didnt go well. I ended up let her move to California, while she was hoping that I would fall back in love with her. I gave it another chance, but I knew its all done for.
That was when I reconnected with Marcus through a close friend (who is no longer in my life now). But at the time, not everyone knew I was going thru a divorce... And nobody knew that I came to the realization that I am attracted to men.
I was so excited to see him again! We were about 22/23 years old at the time and I thought to myself,
"Okay, this is my chance to tell him that I have always like him and always feel like theres something between us." ....
While on my way to Santa Cruz with that close friend to meet up with him to camp for the weekend, I was about to tell her my plan on let Marcus know how I feel. But before I could say anything, she told me that she was planning on hook up with him. My immediately reaction is "Hell no! This is not gonna happen! I cant let it happen!" But I am known to be very loyal to my friends and family and I put my feelings aside for them. For this gal, I decided to let her have him... Just because of our history, she didnt have really much of luck with guys, and there were many times in past that the guys she went after likes me and tried to hook up with me instead of her. And she didnt even know I like men now. I told myself, "Theres plenty of fishes in the sea."
The camping weekend was a nightmare. I had to witness everything going on while get myself drunk to numb myself. I also felt so sorry for Marcus because I could see he was obviously so uncomfortable and wanted nothing to do with her. He tried to tell her that he wasnt interested in her and all. She was so stubborn and drag him into it for next couple weeks while treat him like crap. Then he just snapped and end it.
I was so happy that it ended. But I was very sad that I missed my chance. I had the belief that I dont believe in dating friends' exes, and that it was too disgusting. And I started to get mad at myself for not being aggressive to fight over him. But of course, I thought to myself, a guy is not worth to lose a friendship...
Right around at the end of this craziness between her and Marcus... He and I have been hanging out alot for awhile... And she didnt even know about it at all. We both went out to Santa Cruz for the weekend, a world discgolf tournament. Man, I was beyond thrilled that he asked me to go with him! I just never thought he would even bother to ask me. And we finally got to hang out, just two of us...
That when I noticed the connection... The way we get along, the chemistry and all... When we were at the hotel, shared the same bed that weekend. I remembered look over at him while he was asleep... I was feeling the sadness because of my belief on dating a friend's ex, and I cant tell him how I felt. And I also was afraid of rejection, I thought I wasnt his type. I gently touch his arm while thinking about those things... He started to wake up, I quickly went back to sleep.
We both just happened to be at our lowest points in our lives at same time, and we just ended up hanging out together at my apartment alot. We started to enable each other unhealthily... It just got worse and worse... We both knew its time that it need to stop, but we just didnt know how and when...
But in the meantime, we had lot of good times together, thought! He was such sweet and gentle with me... I was surprised he didnt tease or pick on me at all! And I noticed there were moments I thought he was trying to drop some hints that he likes me... But I dismissed it because I thought I was just imagine it and I didnt know what to do with men! I was very inexperienced in that dept. And I even dropped hints at him as well... He didnt do anything. So I wasnt sure if he didnt pick it up or wasnt interested.
Finally, he disappeared just in heck of time from enabling each other unhealthily...
I was much further in darkness and so was he.... I was glad he wasnt there when I overdosed. Because I knew he will feel guilty and feel like hes responsible for it.
I was in completely different place after the incident of overdosed... I was with my daughter's dad at the time, and I became sober and incredibly vulnerable. I was going thru a hard time of making changes while try to stay consistent with new changes in my life while her dad was heavily on drugs and alcohol with an anger issue which caused our relationship to be very unhealthy. I just kept fool myself into thinking he will change and I thought he was the love of my life because he was there when I overdosed, and he took care of me while I went thru withdrawals... He waited on me hand and feet while I recovered from it. I thought he was my hero, so I fell in love with him for the wrong reasons. I tried so hard to be happy with him and tried so hard to stay consistent with my sobriety and regain the stability in my life. It was impossible because he has a such strong personality, and so do I. We fought constantly to the point I cried almost everyday. I ended up got engaged to him in the summer of 2004, then I got pregnant with our daughter in Oct 2004... Alot earlier than we planned. We planned to have a baby a year after our engagement because I wanted him to get his shit together first before we could marry and have a baby... Unfortunately, God had different plans.
That when Marcus re-appeared in my life, only for very short time. He came to visit me and my fiance' at the time while I was newly pregnant... I looked at Marcus, deep into his eyes while he was talking to my fiance', I was so desperate and unhappy with the relationship I was in, and the life I was in... Ive had better life than this and I knew I deserve way better than this. I was this close to beg Marcus to take me away, just take me with him wherever he was going... But I held back, because I thought I was in love with my daughter's dad. So I just said nothing and kept try to make it work...
After the baby was born... Things never got better as I was promised that it would... I finally had the courage to tell the father the truth of what I did during my pregnancy, something I did that was very unforgiving and that I want out. He just went ballistic on me, so I finally had the courage to tell my parents what happened... Thank god for my parents, they are definitely my heroes, they took me and my daughter into their home and told me we can stay as long as I need.
I got my life back on track and focus on myself to become a better person while continue being a mom to my beautiful daughter... being a mom definitely help me stay on right track and made me want to be a role model for her. While I was busy getting my life together, I have wondered how Marcus was doing all those times, and I was worried if he ever recover from that dark time...
One day, I was talked into sign up Facebook back in 2010... I immediately look him up... couldnt find him anywhere on Facebook... I gave up.
Then in very early 2011, I saw him thru our mutual friends, I sent him a friend request, he immediately approved the request. I was so excited, but didnt know what to say to him... I was totally speechless...
He never said anything to me on Facebook either.
Then in mid summer of 2011, a friend asked me for some help on something... Marcus came to my mind, so I contacted him thru Facebook... That when we both started to get in touch with each other, and it moved to regular emails...
He told me that he is moving to Washington DC in early Sept, to start school at Gallaudet University... I was really sad. I decided, "Screw this, grow some balls!"... I told him that we need to get together before he leave. Because I was worried that I might will never see him again. I just get that feeling that it will be the last time, for some odd reason. He immediately agreed and we decided on where and when to meet up.
I showed up at Fox & Goose bar... Oh my gosh, I was nervous as hell!! It has been long time since I last saw him, late fall 2004. I sweated like a pig and almost head back to my car. But I told myself I dont want to live with the regret with "What if"...
As I entered the bar, there he was.... Immediately, the familiar feelings came back... that same connection. I was so happy to be in his presence again...
I could sense there were something wrong with him, but I couldnt tell what it was, and I didnt want to ask him. So we just chatted all night long while drink beers, til the bar closed... We went to my car, and talked some more then we hugged to say goodnight.
Next day, I posted on his Facebook wall, told him I had great time and left a heart next to it...
Few days later, he suggested we get together again one more time, a day before he leave for DC. I immediately agreed... In my mind, I thought it was sort of a "date"... but not officially. :)
Of course I got excited all over again... we met up at Old Spaghetti Factory for dinner... He dressed so nice and smelled so good... And again, that connection and the chemistry was there, it felt more strong that night... We had such a good time chatting away all night... We decided to walk over to Depot to have drinks and play pool...
That when I started to notice the spark, the vibe, and the closeness between us. I wasnt sure how to response to it, so I just go with the flow... This moment, for the first time, I KNEW he really likes me. I was just afraid to do anything to screw it up.
We left Depot and headed for my car, I told him that Ill give him a ride to his car. It wasnt that far, but I just want to be with him as much as possible before the night end...
As we arrived to his car in other parking lot... I noticed the tension coming from him... And he got really quiet. I wasnt sure what to do at that moment... Finally we said goodbye and hugged. He just suddenly got frustrated, got out of my car and slammed the door hard, walked off to his car.
I went home, feeling little confused to why he was acting like that...
The next day, he moved to DC. Within a week, he finally got a phone, immediately he texted me... Then that night that when it finally came out.
He asked, "You know that last night we got together for dinner and drinks?"
"Yeah, what about it?", I replied
"Well... did you feel something that night?"
My heart literally jumped up in my throat... I knew it!! But I was afraid to say something and turned out that I may be wrong... so I asked, "You mean the vibe?"
"Yeah", he answered
"Yeah, I felt it...", I replied.
There were abit of awkward and nervous silence thru texting... I dont recalled who said it first... But we both went for it, took the risk and exposed our feelings to each other...
We both were in shock to learn that we both actually like each other since elementary school and we both missed so many hints that we threw at each other. He was so afraid to say or do something directly, he thought I wasnt interested in him because he was not my type and he didnt want to deal with rejection. So was I, I was afraid too! And we both started to wish that we would have known back then and who knew what our lives would have turn out... And that last night, dinner and drinks, at the end of the night when I noticed his frustration and stormed out of my car... It was because he had hard time to build a courage to kiss me. He held back because he was afraid of rejection. I told him I wish he would have kissed me!
And then we both said, "Fuck!"
He just moved to DC.... About to start school there. Its too late! I was so mad...
Even worse, I was sort of interested in other guy at this time.... I told Marcus about this guy... He handled it well and said "Live your life, do your things. Ill do my things in DC. Its okay."
I felt like I wanted to cry. And I made him to promise me one thing... Stay in touch with me no matter what. He promised.
We continue talk to each other almost every day thru texting... But then when the guy I was interested in flew in to spend a week with me... I stopped text Marcus. And he knew about it and gave me a space.
While I spent time with this guy, Marcus was on my mind the whole time. My emotions was so messed up.. I tried to stuff my feelings for Marcus back in the little box and enjoy my time with this guy... It didnt exactly go well... I got vulnerable and we both had some kind of ups and downs... I just wanted it to end and I wanted to send him back home.
That guy and I stayed in touch after his visit, my emotions just exploded and I just lost control of them and tried to force my feelings on this guy by deny my feelings for Marcus.
I shouldnt have done it, but I did, and it ended in a big mess with this guy. Because I didnt know how to handle my feelings for Marcus. It was too strong and overwhelming... because of that connection I have with Marcus.
I didnt speak to Marcus for almost a month. Finally I texted him.. He sounded so happy to hear from me. It made me feel good that he was so eager to get back in touch with me again.
Then he told me a great news that hes flying home for a week in November. I got so excited! We both agreed to date while he was here, and to expect nothing, just to have good time. Because we both are not big fans of long distance.
The first night I saw him after he flew in.... I fell in love with him.
I could tell he felt the same way... we both spent time together as much as possible during his one week vacation. As soon as the week was over, that when I knew something is not right... I knew I need to say something to him or itll be too late. I was so afraid to say it directly...
I looked up to him while he was cuddling with me, I said, "Marcus, I want you to know Im yours."
He looked at me and smiled, hugged me tighter.... I pushed him away alittle, "Marcus, Im yours...". He said nothing, just hugged me again and tighter... I started to get frustrated, but let it go...
Then it was the day I have to go and pick him up to take him to the airport... while walk up to his parents' front door... I was thinking to myself... "No, this isnt right. Im not ready for him to go home. Not yet... Im gonna take him somewhere instead of the airport and tell him exactly how I feel!"
Before I could knock the door, he opened the door and smiled
"I want to talk to you about something.", he said.
Umm.... Okay, I guess... I asked whats up...
He asked me if I want him to stay for another week...
You have no idea how happy I was... I said YES!!!!!!
We both went to the airport to change his flight dates to next week... We both spent so much time together, the more I spent time with him, the more in love I was with him... that connection grew stronger and stronger...
Then one night, while I was driving on freeway, heading for his parents' home from downtown. Marcus was sitting next to me, he was really quiet...
I asked him if hes okay. He said yes, that when he finally said it...
"I want to tell you something. I never felt this way with other girls... you complete me. You are my soulmate."
I cried while driving on freeway. Then he continued..
"Ive been really unhappy with life, that why I moved to DC and give it a last chance with school. I was gonna give up everything here and leave the country. Because I felt I have nothing here and I have nothing to live for. But now I have something, you."
That when I realized, it was what I sensed something was wrong with him at that night at Fox & Goose... He was really unhappy, but not anymore!
Now fast forward.... Here we are... We have been together since then! We are very much in love and very happy with each other. Long distance relationship is very hard on both of us... But its the friendship, trust and true love that hold us together...
Yes, there is a future for both of us... after his graduation from Gallaudet! <3
